Think You Need a Bigger Sex Toy? What People Actually Enjoy May Surprise You

Here’s something I hear all the time in my practice: patients assume that bigger is better when it comes to sex toys. They walk into shops or scroll online convinced they need the largest option available. But after years of working with patients on sexual health and hearing from sex educators like Amy Baldwin, I can tell you this assumption is often wrong—and understanding why matters more than you’d think.

Sexual pleasure is deeply personal. What works for one person might feel completely uncomfortable for another. And yet, shame, misinformation, and cultural messaging often push us toward choices that don’t actually align with what our bodies want. In this post, I want to share what people really enjoy—and why your assumptions about size, shame, and sex might be worth reconsidering.

Why Bigger Isn’t Always Better

One of the most surprising things I’ve learned from conversations with certified sex educators is how often people misjudge what they actually want. Amy Baldwin, a sex educator and relationship coach, shared that many of her clients come in thinking they need something significantly larger than what they end up enjoying. This gap between assumption and reality is telling.

Our bodies send us signals about what feels good, but those signals can be drowned out by shame, inexperience, or cultural narratives about what “should” feel good. The key is learning to listen to your own body rather than defaulting to what seems extreme or impressive.

Understanding Sexual Shame and How It Affects Your Choices

Before we can talk about what people actually enjoy, we need to address the elephant in the room: shame. Many people feel embarrassed about their sexual preferences, their bodies, or their desires. This shame often drives choices that aren’t authentic to who they actually are.

Amy Baldwin defines “shameless sex” not as never experiencing shame, but as learning to work with it. Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. It dies when we speak about it in safe environments—with a trusted partner, a therapist, or a sex educator. By naming what we feel ashamed about, we take away its power over us.

When you’re shopping for a sex toy, this matters. Are you choosing based on what actually appeals to you? Or are you choosing based on what you think you “should” want?

How to Choose What Actually Works for Your Body

Here’s what I tell patients: start small and let your body guide you. This isn’t just about physical comfort—though that matters enormously. It’s about building a relationship with your own pleasure.

• Listen to your body. What sensations actually feel good? Is it pressure, vibration, texture, or something else entirely?
• Start conservatively. You can always go bigger or try something new. You can’t undo a purchase that doesn’t work for your body.
• Prioritize materials that feel safe. Body-safe silicone, glass, and stainless steel are excellent choices. Poor-quality materials can cause irritation and infection.
• Remember that pleasure is diverse. Someone might love deep penetration while another person prefers external stimulation. Both are completely normal.

Sex Should Feel Like Play, Not Performance

One of the most liberating things Amy shared is this: sex should feel like play, not performance. When we’re focused on “doing it right,” achieving specific outcomes, or meeting imagined expectations, we disconnect from our actual pleasure.

This applies to sex toys, too. If you’re using a toy because you think you “should,” or because you’re trying to create some fantasy version of yourself, you’re likely not going to enjoy it. But if you’re exploring what feels good in a spirit of curiosity and playfulness? That changes everything.

Creating Safe Spaces to Explore Your Sexuality

Whether you’re shopping for toys, talking to your partner about desires, or working with a sex educator, you need a safe container. Safety means:

• Freedom from judgment (from yourself and others)
• The ability to be honest about what you want
• Permission to change your mind
• No pressure to perform or prove anything

This is why I always encourage patients to approach sexual health with curiosity rather than shame. You’re not doing anything wrong by wanting to explore. Your desires—whatever they are—deserve respect and understanding.

The Real Conversation We Should Be Having

Instead of debating size, we should be talking about authenticity. What do *you* actually enjoy? Not what porn suggests. Not what friends say. Not what feels like it “should” be impressive. What does your body respond to?

For some people, that’s a larger toy. For others, it’s something much smaller. Some people prefer toys that focus on clitoral stimulation. Others enjoy penetration, internal massage, or something completely different. The diversity of human pleasure is genuinely beautiful—and it’s something we should celebrate rather than hide.

If you’ve never had an orgasm, or you’ve had shame around your sexuality, or you’re simply curious about exploring pleasure more intentionally, know that this is normal. Your questions deserve answers. Your desires deserve respect. And your sexual health is absolutely part of your overall health.

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